Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
