dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
