I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
