So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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