a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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