I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
