So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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