I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
