On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
