Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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