farters have to be the big spoon...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
