So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
