So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
