So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
