Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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