Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
