Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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