it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
