I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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