this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
