I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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