She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
