If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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