Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
