Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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