I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
