Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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