I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
