can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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