well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
