I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
