last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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