i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
