his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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