Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
