please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
