Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
