cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
