Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
