It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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