Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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