the condom got lost in my hair
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
