well I can't set my house on fire every night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
