I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i came on her dog
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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