When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
