There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
