Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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