walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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