I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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