The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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