I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
