Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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