considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
